I am a FAILURE
and I embrace the convergence of opposites (a very brief life update and self-reflection [less words, more pics])
Almost a year ago, I set the intention to try to win an international essay contest, receive a fat chunk of prize money, gain recognition, and use those gifts to propel myself deeper into the work I am most passionate about — work which I hope will radically support the development of the collective (and you’re included). I told everyone in my life about it, and asked them to pray for me.
A month ago, I found out that I didn’t win. By failing, I re-enforced the idea that I am a failure: I have failed many times in my life, and I consistently continue to fail. I faced disappointment (frustration, sadness) and self-doubt, and I spiraled in confusion for a few days.
And then, I worked through those feelings, embracing the opportunity to refine my offering, re-examine my beliefs and expectations, and re-orient myself towards more truth and effectiveness in my action. As it turns out, I am also a winner.
What was most disappointing was not that I “lost” in the essay competition, nor the fact I didn’t even place in the top 30 honorable mentions. I was vastly more disappointed by the content of the top essays themselves. None seemed truly groundbreaking, impressively brilliant, or intensely creative. I think I’ll do a post where I dive into some of the central difference I have with the top essays — i.e. how I would suggest they evolve their framing.
I still maintain that my framework is more deeply and broadly coherent than any I’ve seen so far. IIT 4.0 comes close, and the research of some recent connections come close (including the work of Walter Russel, BioGeometry, the physics of qualia [based in Japan], and a few other related threads). I was expecting something more profound based on the stated intentions of the contest, some nice work by Ben Bratton and the Antikythera Project (global social-economic planning think-tank connected to google) and because of the great need/demand I see for new, radical systemic paradigms.
I can’t say I am too surprised, though, as every judge for the contest was a conventional academic philosopher. It seems unlikely that the paradigm-shifting thought will come primarily from the traditional educational institutions. They are too entrenched in the incentive structures and cultural milieu designed by and for the dominant systems — ones centered on interpersonal competition, fragmented community and family, obedience to authority, analysis and critique, and consolidated institutional-scientific knowledge-power over more distributed personal-intuitive knowledge-power. I synthesized my framework with really minimal support from academia. I know there are great programs out there, and creative, independently minded thinkers in many traditional institutions.
My embrace of radical thought originated mostly from my intense longing for a deeper, larger sense of community, and my self-abandon to service to the collective. I understand this as having arisen from an intense coincidence of opposites within me: an incredible lack of felt, visceral purpose (a confused, frantic wander colliding with an intense conceptual conviction of universal, higher purpose. I was young, needed more reassurance and support, and felt frighteningly alone. And, I was old enough to begin to attempt to grasp the paradoxes at the heart of existence — the relativity of meaning, the illusions of attachment, and the power of the mind to dominate more simple elements of the body (like emotions, or pain [see stoicism, Buddhism]). Through this bifurcation, I leaned most fully into the pursuit of transcendence, as far as I could understand it. I still seek this simultaneous self-affirmation and sublation (superseded and preserved) — to overcome the limits of the self in service to greater selves.
I sent a lot of prayers towards winning that contest. And many others did, too. I expected I would win. I was off by an order of magnitude, at least. I don’t believe all that prayer and intention was in vain, though. Far from it. I believe it all went to support other goals, being redirected towards an even more optimal collective outcome. What I was most deeply wanting was support — financial support for my deeper longings, social/emotional support to affirm my creativity and insight, and technical/logistical support to further the projects I think can change the world for the better.
In the time since this re-evaluation, I have taught my first dance/movement class (and received lots of positive feedback), landed a dream job, been offered several others, become a nomadic adventurer, eased my way into a couple profoundly beautiful, intimate relationships, successfully facilitated conflict resolution between friends, and met several potential funders and partners for my work. I’ve been dancing and running more, continuously making amazing, new connections, and visiting some of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. The simply beauty of the rolling hills of grassy wildflowers of Napa county, north of the Bay, have given me radiant joy and mighty grins.
I am loving my life - more than I think I ever have. I love myself, my gifts, and my potential - more than ever remember loving myself before. I have deep appreciation for those around me, perhaps more than I ever have.
I went to a grief ceremony with my brother a couple months ago. I found it so easy to mourn so deeply when there was a supportive community encouraging me to feel, to express, to move. They cared, and their care helped me feel safe and supported to feel my pain. I wish everyone could experience things like this.
Yesterday, I cried on the phone to a good friend, Eric. I was overcome with grief about my former challenges, and moved deeply by my appreciation for his supportive presence during that time. I was able to release that grief so easily because I feel so strong in my sense of myself — I can hold great suffering. I can witness and support myself when I struggle, and I can allow myself to feel pain because I trust myself enough to grow through it. I am letting myself be moved — pushed, shaken up, challenged — so I can grow. I push myself so I can grow. I feel my sadness and deep longings so I can grow.
Have our prayers paid off, landing where they belong? Are they still flowing through the in-betweenness, finding their best lives? Or, am I just delusional, and lucky?
Maybe all of the above.
Probably.
In progress,
·θΦθ·